my experience with dp/dr

it’s morning so i feel good enough to talk about my dp/dr in detail for once. i’ve had dp/dr for 6 years, almost 7 now i guess, and i’ve become so used to my anxiety that most of the time i don’t notice it. this summer has been horrifying because for once in my life, the panic attacks are full body, full mind - my entire existence becomes a festering pool of panic and i’m the only one that can stop it. people have said that dp/dr is best when you come to accept it and i believe that to be true. these recent panic attacks scared me shitless at first, but now i know i can live through them. dp/dr will not kill you. anxiety and worry will not kill you. intrusive thoughts will not kill you. you are not crazy, and definitely not alone. i’ve had some of the most mind boggling breakdowns, where reality starts to melt around me; the one thing that i consistently remind myself when i have an attack is that it will not kill me and it will pass. anxiety attacks are temporary, and it boils down to your own consciousness. no one is holding a gun to your head or trying to hurt you. only your mind, turning on itself, is in what it thinks is danger. i have terrible self esteem for the most part, but during an attack, i focus on how strong i am to be able to live with my disorders every day. if you have dp/dr, no matter how long you’ve had it, you are a bad ass for making it through the day. one of the most important things to keep in mind with this disorder is that there are many others that feel the way you do. i’ve had every symptom of dp/dr at some point in my 7 year war, and my mind is always eager to find something new to obsess about until it drives me crazy. if you’re new to this, you can talk to me if you’d like, or take a look at the depersonalization/derealization tags to hear from others. i know i will never recover, and most other sufferers never heal all the way back to 100%, but the support system is here. it’s okay to be scared. anything you could ever feel or think of is completely normal. i can promise you this because i’ve probably already had a panic attack about it, and many others out there probably have too. my boyfriend and my mother are the only two people i have told about my disorder, not really because i wanted to, but because i needed someone to talk to and at least try to understand. it’s important to have people that know you have attacks and will not judge you if you need to talk during one. you may not have dp/dr for 7 years like i have, but you owe it to yourself to have that option. 

in essence, i just want anyone suffering to have somebody to talk to if they need it. feeling alone sucks ass. 

"I always feel like I am not 100% here. I have developed a persona on top of this which allows me to interact, but in my basic self I am very aloof. I have spent the majority of my life disconnected…and keep waiting for the moment when I will be part of the world again."

fujiswaggy:

at this point even my name is a trigger because I have no idea who that is anymore

thank goodness i’m not the only one. it’s like a stab of pain to hear that name and be reminded that i have to be whoever that is.